April 1, 1992

	The Department of Computer Science today announced a new program
to help reduce the number of Ph.D. students in the Department.  "When we have 
to cut back the number of incoming Fall students to only ten because our
senior students aren't getting out on time, you know that something has to 
be done," said the Chairman.

	Code-named "Operation Desert Sitterson," the program has four main
projects:

	1) New support group

	   A new group, modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous, called SADD 
	   (Students Attempting Doctoral Dissertations) will help counsel 
	   those already in the Ph.D. program, and to try to save those who 
	   haven't already fallen into that trap.

	2) The P.h-d degree

	   Writing and giving demos was identified as a major cause of 
	   reducing the graduation rate of Ph.D. students.  Therefore, the
	   Department will adopt an alternate degree, called the P.h-d
	   (Practitioner of hi-tech demos).  The sole requirement for earning
	   the P.h-d is giving 200 demos to visitors from outside the 
	   Department.  This step alone is expected to immediately clear 
	   out the glut in the Graphics and Image Processing groups.

	3) Increased corporate funding

	   "Most of our funding comes from government grants.  Corporations
	   are a largely untapped resource," said the Chairman.  To entice
	   additional corporate funds, all members of research groups will
	   be required to wear jumpsuits bearing the sponsoring companies'
	   logos, much as race car teams do today.  In addition, for
	   sufficiently large donations, corporations will be able to assign 
	   their names to parts of Sitterson Hall.  Planned names include:

		Women's restrooms:	AT+T Belle Lavatories
		the Bike room:		Xerox PARCing lot
		Passegeways:		DEC the halls

	4) Increased facilities

	   Every student in the Ph.D. program will get a machine and a single
	   office.  Since there isn't enough space in Sitterson Hall to make
	   this a reality, the Department will annex the nearby Carolina Inn
	   to provide the space.  With its bathrooms, cafeteria, and laundry
	   facilities, students will never have reason to leave the building,
	   removing all the time they waste commuting, shopping, and just
	   being away from a workstation in general.


	When asked whether he thought this program would really make a
difference in graduation rates, the Chairman replied, "Well, it was either 
adopt this program or turn off news, so I took the less drastic measure."