=============================================================================== "Only the news Skies: Carolina Blue that fits our THE SITTERSON ENQUIRER Winds: North by Northwest views!" =============================================================================== Vol. 2 No. 0 Thursday, April 1, 1993 Priceless =============================================================================== RETAKE OF DWE QUESTIONS BEING SCHEDULED For those of you who just took the DWE this week and thought it was all over, the Department has some bad news for you. Dr. Calingaert, who chairs the DWE committee, today announced that the last three questions of the test will be ruled invalid. Replacement questions will be created, and a make-up date set for sometime next week. Apparently, the problem was caused by a desperate DWE taker posting the last three questions to the "help" newsgroup. Jon Leech, who didn't realize where the questions came from, sketched out solutions for each of the problems in a subsequent posting to "help." "Since we don't know which students read news before or during the exam, we have to invalidate all of the final three questions," said Dr. Calingaert. When asked about the questions, Jon replied, "I thought they were research-related problems for somebody's RA. They didn't seem hard enough to be DWE questions. Now when *I* took the DWE..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW PCs ARRIVE In a continuing effort to improve the work environment, the Department has obtained a set of new PCs. We will report on the installation of these new Political Correctness rules as they arrive. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SUCCESSOR TO PIXEL FLOW Although Pixel Flow, the successor to Pixel-Planes 5, is not yet finished, researchers are already looking at the next generation graphics engine beyond that. After Pixel-Planes and Pixel Flow, what can they do next? Well, the architectural details have not been worked out, but because much of the organic support for the project comes from Little Caesar's Pizza, researchers have already decided to name the new machine, "Pixel! Pixel!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CSA PURCHASES PRADO The CSA has purchased prado to use as a fund-raising device. While terms of the agreement were not revealed, CSA president Marc Olano said "We negotiated a very good deal with Facilities. They were tired of trying to maintain it anyway, with all these backups that never seem to work." To raise funds, the CSA has placed prado by the dumpster near the Level 0 entrance and will charge $2 for each blow with a 2x4 and $10 for each strike with a sledgehammer. "With the retake of the last day of DWEs and the pressure of upcoming projects and finals, this will let our students relieve some stress while generating funds for worthy CSA projects, like TGIFs," said the CSA president. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW CONTRACTURAL AGREEMENT FORM In order to comply with "truth in documentation" laws, the Department has revised the Contractural Agreement form that all RAs must sign each semester before they receive any dough. Our intrepid Enquirer reporters have obtained a copy of this new agreement form. The text reads as follows: Dear : It gives me great pleasure to to offer your appointment as a Research Assistant in the Department of Computer Science for the Fall 1993 semester. The stipend for this appointment is normally $4750. But because of cost overruns in building new lab space on the 2nd floor, we had to shift the decimal point, making it $475.0. You were selected for this appointment because of your proven talents, your knowledge of computers, your excellent academic record, your score in the swimsuit competition, and most importantly, because you're the only person in the building who knows how to run the demos for your project, so we have no choice but to hire you again. This appointment is contingent upon satisfactory academic work as well as satisfactory performance as a Research Assistant, and on the satisfactory results of the Final Four wagers we placed in Las Vegas to generate enough money to pay everyone's salary. The Department reserves the right to reassign duties in case UNC does not win. We hear that Miami Subs needs some part-time help. You will be expected to work approximately 20 hours a week. Note that "approximately" means 19 or 21 hours, not 5. This does not include time spent in classes, doing homework, studying for the DWE, or watching basketball on Department TVs. We are pleased to offer you this agreement. Your acceptance of this appointment for this fall semester constitutes a contractural agreement of indentured servitude, and if you run away in the middle of the semester we will hunt you down like the dog you are. Please sign the attached photocopy and don't forget the thumbprint in blood. Have a nice day. Sincerely, The Mgt. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 145 PROJECT IMPROVES THE 411 PROGRAM A COMP 145 project to revamp the 411 program is proceeding nicely. While 411 only provides information about a user's office and phone numbers, this new program will be able to track which machines a user is logged into and which room a user is occupying inside Sitterson. "This will prove invaluable in tracking down students that you're trying to find," said one 145 team member. Because of its advanced capabilities, the new program has been named the Graduate Online Directory, or GOD for short. Remember, GOD is watching you. GOD knows where you are. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC STATUS REPORT All whiteboards will be replaced by blackboards or some other PC color. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HEALTH CARE PLAN OBTAINED Hilary Rodham Clinton, an unemployed lawyer put in charge of determining the best national health care plan, has not yet announced the results of her study. But an Enquirer reporter stumbled on a memo that flew out of her car as she sped off to pursue a passing ambulance. We assume she was aggressively gathering on-the-spot research of the health care system in action. The memo proved to be stunningly obvious and clear in its conclusion of the root cause of the health care crisis. "Like any good doctor, we must stop treating the symptoms of the disease and focus on the disease itself. We must attack the true cause of the health care crisis. And the true cause is... sick people! If we didn't have sick people, we wouldn't have a health care crisis! So we must find ways to make sure people don't get sick!" Congressional leaders, stunned by this revelation, promised quick action. A new bill making it a Federal crime to be sick has strong bipartisan support, showing conclusively that Congress can solve yet another problem by aggressive legislation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CSA PRESIDENT SPOTTED DRIVING NEW CAR CSA president Marc Olano was recently spotted driving a BMW 750i with new North Carolina tags. An Enquirer reporter intercepted him as he parked in the lower Sitterson lot and walked through the Level 0 entrance, next to the pile of ashes that was once a machine called Prado. When asked how he could afford such a vehicle on his $475.0 per semester salary, he replied, "Uh, well, I've done very well on NCAA basketball pools. Yeah, that's it. Picking Santa Clara over Arizona really paid off well." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC STATUS REPORT The recycling bins for white and mixed paper have been renamed to "pigmentally-challenged paper" and "paper of color," respectively. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DESKTOP MACHINES DECREASE PRODUCTIVITY When Operation Desktop, which had the goal of placing an "intelligent" machine on the desktop of every user, was completed, Facilities proudly announced that it would double the productivity of the Department. Now, a recent study done by the Enquirer estimates that productivity has actually plunged by 80% since the completion of Operation Desktop. The cause seems to be the fact that when users can access machines in the privacy of their own offices rather than in a public lab, they change their behaviors. The most common uses of private workstations and Macs seem to be playing xbombs, looking at GIFs of Miss Anorexia and Miss Bulimia, and making digitized recordings of the sounds of strange bodily functions. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HMDs CAUSE INJURIES Everyone knows that using computers can damage your health. Staring at monitors too long can cause eyestrain and poses a potential radiation risk. Constant typing on keyboards can lead to repetitive motion injuries, which is why wristrests are being made available. Now, studies done here at UNC reveal that spending extensive hours in an HMD can also lead to injuries. This phenomenon, which is partially caused by the limited field-of-view of the displays, has been named Carpal Tunnel Vision syndrome. Future studies will determine if wearing a neck brace while inside an HMD helps to prevent this problem from occurring. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC STATUS REPORT Sitterson Hall has been renamed Sitterchild Hall. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DARPA CONTRACT FOR VR MILITARY SIMULATION UNC has landed a DARPA contract for an advanced military simulation program using virtual reality technologies. A prototype simulation is already up an running, created by our crack HMD programmers. An Enquirer reporter recently spied on a playtest session: "India invades China." "No way. My defenses are far too strong and numerous for you to beat me!" "Let's run the simulator." < Pause while simulator completes its run > "Hah! Six, four and three beat two and one! Your last two armies bite the dust! Now I get all of your cards which I can use to buy new armies." "Rats." Eventually, UNC intends to develop an entire line of RISC-based military simulations. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And in the next edition of The Sitter.., uh, Sitterchild Enquirer: * Christian Laettner reveals, "Actually, I'm a Buddhist!" * No social life? Call Caroline. We tell you how to get around her response of "Request denied." * Learn about the successor to VMS, called PMS, because most users get really cranky when they use it! * An interview with the new heads of the President's Drug Awareness Council, Cheech & Chong * With the success of Madonna's book _Sex_, we show racy pictures from Arnold Schwarzenegger's new book, called _Pecs_. * Read an excerpt from _Diuretics_, by L. Ron Azuma * We take a look at the latest demonstration sport to be introduced at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta: Demolition Derby * ...and much, much more! Remember: ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!